This is a reprint from an email sent to me. I do not know the original sources.
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To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “uhh”, “like”, and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up “interspersed.”

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents — Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football.” There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2010.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or “gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon — get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
Contact Info Website: www.fco.gov.uk
Office: Foreign & Commonwealth Office
Street: King James Street
City/Town: London

It’s a sad commentary but the current County Board Chairman, Lee Holloway, won re-election from his collegues on the County Board largely based on the politics of race.

Holloway managed to get all African-American supervisors as well as the one Latino supervisor to vote for him lock-step. It took over 30 rounds of voting from the 10 member board to wear out his opponents but Holloway was victorious in the end. In his last two elections to the leadership position, Holloway pledged to take more of a hands-on approach to governing. Unfortunately Holloway did not live up to his hands-on promise for much of his last term and when it comes to standing up against neo-conservative County Executive Scott Walker, Holloway has been meek.

What the County Board needs is a reform that requires elimination rounds in their elections for Chairman. Had this been the case, the several mini coalitions that refused to condense under the top two candidate would have been forced to choose between the two that had the most impressive numbers on their side.

Clearly Holloway would have been one of the finalists in a race under these reforms and he probably would have won anyway, but at least the board wouldn’t have felt forced into voting for a candidate the majority wouldn’t have wanted.

But there are other nuances in this recent race that are noteworthy. One of the candidates for Chairman, Gerry Broderick decided last minute that he would make for a great Chairman. While I won’t make any judgment on his abilities or qualifications, it’s out of the ordinary and difficult when others who were established candidates find someone like Broderick who appears to be out to win this for himself rather than to provide a voice in contrast to Walker.

Essentially, Broderick’s late entry into the race meant there were 5 candidates vying to chair the 19 member board. Of these candidates, Holloway had 8 of the 19 votes locked up due more to ethnic and racial loyalty rather than commitment to leadership. Another vote, freshman Supervisor Theo Lipscomb, was not going to vote against Holloway because he represents a primarily African American district and he believes he should vote the will of his district.

The other Supervisors, not bound by racial loyalty, were fractured not only with their votes, but with their own personal ideologies. Conservatives didn’t feel they could vote for a liberal and Supervisor Jim “Luigi” Schmidt, who would have been palatable to the conservatives, has the reputation for supporting most of Walker’s policies so the liberals couldn’t vote for him.

With the race coming down to Holloway or Schmidt, Broderick (who in the end succumbed), supported Holloway and was rewarded for his loyalty and is now the Chairman of the Parks committee. Almost all Supervisors who supported Holloway have now been rewarded by leadership positions on the County Board.

None of this is to say that Holloway is incapable. To the contrary, he is one of the most politically savvy members of the board and if he were to actually lead in this next term he would be a force to be reakoned with. Unfortunately his track record doesn’t leave voters with much hope.

It’s voting day. Please vote.

Here are our recommendations:

Louis Butler for Supreme Court. Butler is a common sense kind of guy whose opponent has been universally called to the carpet for lying and exaggerating in this race. If there’s one thing that both the left and the right can agree on, it is that Butler is the more honest candidate. That’s a trait we should look for in our Supreme Court Justices.

Tom Barrett has shown great leadership as the Mayor of Milwaukee. His commitment to transportation while serving in Congress made it possible for the Marquette Interchange to be rebuilt. His commitment to quality of life made it possible for the flood control projects which were desperately needed throughout Milwaukee, to be carried out. Barrett has more than earned a right to stay in the position. We only wonder what else Barrett can accomplish in the next four years.

Despite her snowballs chance in hell odds, Lena Taylor was the only candidate that chose to take on the current County Exec. She’s certainly not the perfect candidate but she would be way, way better than the bumbling, deficit loving, parks hating, transit despising silver spoon fed college dropout that is in the seat now.

Pedro Colón has been a leader in the State Assembly and would make a fine City Attorney. While it will be sad to lose his leadership in Madison, he would be an asset to the city of Milwaukee.

County Supervisor races and Aldermanic races are held today.

On the South Side, Chris Larson is the best choice in the 14th Supervisory District.

On the West Side, Lynne DeBruin is the more qualified candidate for the Supervisory seat she current holds.

In West Allis, John Weishan is exceptionally qualified and if re-elected, the board would be well served if they were to draft him as their new Chairman. (Also in West Allis, Dan Devine should be elected Mayor.)

On the Southeast Side, Marina Dimitrijevic who has established herself as one of the county board work horses, deserves to be returned to office for as long as she’s willing to settle for the pitiful salary which woefully undervalues the benefit she brings to her district and her constituents. Once Dimitrijevic is re-elected, the board would be wise to make her a Chairman of one of their key committees. When I first met Dimitrijevic four years ago, I could tell she had potential to be one of the board’s brightest stars. She has not disappointed.

On the North Side / Glendale district 1st Supervisory there is no one on the ballot but don’t confuse this to mean that there is no one running. The choices are poor if you look at just those running as write ins. An incompetent, self-indulgent incumbent who didn’t bother to file nomination papers and whose views rival Clarence Thomas, and an unknown are running.

On the East Side, Patrick Flaherty earns our nod for Alderman.

It started out as a whimsical idea — buy a high definition flat screen TV’s so I could watch all my favorite action movies on a significantly bigger screen.

I called Time Warner to get an upgrade to the HD service and DVR. I was sold on their “all the best” package. That’s when the problems started.

I had “blocking” on the TV which means the picture is made up of large, slow changing blocks instead of pixels. The phone wouldn’t work which was especially distressing since I dumped Vonage because Time Warner had such a great price and aside from losing the feature of voicemail sent to my email box, I didn’t anticipate losing functionality. What I wasn’t expecting was that I would have to spend multiple hours on my cell phone (since the “All the Best” phone wasn’t working) to get their reps out to fix the problems.

Then it got worse.

A service rep was dispatched to my house to fix the phone. Without asking, he drilled right through my new $12,000 vinyl siding job which I had just had installed this fall. Apparently it’s a Time Warner requirement that there’s a box mounted to the outside of the house. Having dealt with Vonage for a year without any such box, I was irritated. Be forewarned if you’re going to make the mistake of going with Time Warner’s “All the Best” package, you should watch the rep while he’s doing the install and stop him if he pulls out a drill unless you’re ok with drilling holes where he’s going to drill those holes.

The installation guy could have asked. There were several places the box could have been placed that would not have been out in the open.

I called Time Warner to complain. What could be done? Well let’s face it — pretty much nothing at that point. The damage had been done. I have to live with Time Warner’s screw up and every time I pass that stupid little box on the outside of my house that could have been discreetly tucked away, I shake my head.

Idiots.

So what did Time Warner do? They sent out a guy to look at the box. It was one of their subcontractors — Prince something or other. I wasn’t sure what the purpose of their visit was.

A week later I get a letter from Prince whatever-their-name-is. “We deny your claim” they said. What claim? I didn’t file a claim requesting anything. What did they think I was asking for? I wasn’t asking for anything and didn’t even know why they were sending out a person to look at the siding.

This is the epitome of poor customer service. They denied a claim that I never filed.

Idiots.

I can’t say that I’m a customer that could have been thrilled after they drilled through my $12,000 siding. What they could have done is make it so I wasn’t fire-spitting mad. I don’t treat my customers like that and I expect the same level of service that I provide. When I see problems, I look for solutions. Time Warner chose another path — they followed up inferior product service with inferior customer service.

Shame on Time-Warner.

Within ten years, if we continue on the same path as we are now on, we will not be a superpower.

I prefer to write about all things local but every once in a while I find the urge to delve into national issues. Today is such a time.

Our dollar is sinking. The national debt is skyrocketing and our budget deficit is pushing us toward a crippled economy. The limited value on the dollar that we have left is being spent recklessly on a war which cannot be won in a land where the people do not want us. A majority of our durable goods and nearly all of our electronics are now being made in other countries.

Our governments answer to this crisis?

Send everyone a check. Now mind you, this isn’t a check from some large national surplus. This is a check that is from money borrowed. The idea behind this is that people will take that check, which remember is borrowed money, and they’ll use it to buy electronics and durable goods. Remember where those goods are made?

This economic stimulus package will be more helpful to foreign countries. This economic stimulus package will be a huge boost for the Chinese economy. As for the American economy?

Well, not so much.

Milwaukee Alderman James Witkowiak is shocked, shocked, that escort services are advertising in the yellow pages and he wants to make sure that if they’re doing business, they’re licensed.

Complaining about them operating without a license in the City of Milwaukee is both silly and ridiculous. To then hold a press conference where he said, “I put provisions in place that should any application be made for an escort service in the city of Milwaukee, ah, there will be notifications sent out to ah, all the neighbors giving them a chance to respond. Ah, I’m sure there’s not too many people in the city of Milwaukee that would want that sort of business run in their neighborhood or next door to them”.

In the interview, Witkowski is flanked by a smiling elderly man whose virility is likely just a distant memory.

Am I the only one that sees this for what it is — a pre-election stunt by a politician right before the election who wants a little face time in front of the camera? The election is just two weeks away. Witkowiak has never been high profile. In fact, I can’t think of a time he has ever been on the televised news. So who bites on something like this two weeks before an election? What kind of a news room actually thinks this is newsworthy? What kind of news room would consider this so important that they would make it their “top story”? Well Fox “news” of course.

I always appreciate when politicians actually do something newsworthy but here’s a politician who is decrying the lack of businesses having licenses on one hand and with the other hand saying that when they apply, he’s going to make sure they don’t get one. Now how bright is that? Is it newsworthy? Come on now people, you can do better than that. I know there’s real news out there. I’ve seen it in the making and there weren’t any reporters willing to cover it.

We all know why Fox is covering this non-story; it’s because of the sex. If County Supervisors had a hottie do a pole dance amidst a real issue that affects real people, perhaps they could get coverage for some of the things they might do that is in the public interest. And if that doesn’t do it, maybe the Supervisors themselves would join in — although I fear that might scare off some.

This is really a non-issue. If it were a real issue, Witkowiak would be going after all of the retailers and home improvement companies in the big yellow book that are operating without a license. I would venture that it’s a majority.

But back to the hookers — I mean the escorts. What makes Witkowiak think that these escorts are bringing people back to their own homes for a little hibbidy-dibbidy? C’mon Alderman, you know that’s not how it works. Any adult male knows these escorts do their business and return to their own homes at the end of the night. It’s really in-home sales like vacuum cleaner sales only with more… well let’s not go there.

But just to recap for those of who aren’t quite understanding why Fox considered this little pre-election publicity stunt news, keeping in mind that the Alderman hopes to glide right in to his seat in two weeks, Witkowiak is upset that these businesses aren’t licensed but if they do try to get a license, he will oppose them.

Whew, I’m glad that one’s all cleared up.