And there he goes with his high-minded, better than thou attitude. Did you hear what he actually said the other day? “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours in the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.” (Luke 6:20-21)

Blessed? Blessed?

Gimme a break. What, is he trying to guilt us into opening our wallets? Just because someone else isn’t as well off as I might be, I’m supposed to give some of mine to them? Bah!

That’s just socialism.

You want some words of wisdom for the hungry? Let them eat cake. Giving people a handout isn’t going to help them. You know what will help them? Work. If you’re hungry, get a job. Buy your own food. Don’t want to work, we don’t need you. You know what we call that? It’s called culling the herd. It’s the natural order of things. It makes us all better people.

Did you hear what his big crusade was last week? He said this, and I’m not kidding — “The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst”. Oh, I get it. Now we’re all supposed to care about water and water quality for everyone. Who is supposed to pay it? You know what, if we’re so worried about the thirsty, I’ll hand out bowls so when it rains they can catch the rain and take a drink. That’s charity — not socialism and it’s better than this whole socialist stuff.

But really, this Jesus guy is such a trouble maker. I’m inclined to just do something about it, but as many of my like-minded friends remind me, he would happily become a martyr for his cause. Before you know it, everyone will know the name of “Jesus”. It’ll be all like, “Jesus would do this, Jesus would do that”. There’s already a few people who have even been texting WWJD as though we’re all supposed to know what that means.

Folks, let’s be careful about this guy. The next thing you know, if this Jesus guy gets his way, we’ll all be marching up and down red square carrying little hammer and sickle flags.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Tenthers argue that the Federal government should exercise no power not explicitly given to it in the Constitution. Perry and Pawlenty are using this argument to claim that, should the Congress and President enact health-care reform, they can keep it from applying to their states. (This is quite similar to the “Nullification” theory that helped lead to, and was settled by, the Civil War.)

He won’t do it, but I wish Barack Obama would send Perry, Pawlenty, and any other Tenther governors the following letter:

Dear Governor X,

In accordance with your expressed desire that your state not be subject to any Federal program not explicitly authorized by the Constitution, as of now I am cutting off all Federal funds distributed to your state or to individuals or institutions therein for the following purposes:

Medicare
Medicaid
Social Security
Veterans’ health care
Immunization
Transportation infrastructure (e.g. highways, bridges, rail)
Air traffic control for flights within your state
Education of special-needs students
FEMA assistance after hurricanes, wildfires, and other disasters
HIV/AIDS prevention and services
CDC investigation and technical assistance
Certification of health care providers and suppliers
Scientific and technological research
Highway safety
Job creation and retention
Child support enforcement
Unemployment insurance administration
Adult literacy and English language acquisition
Crime victim compensation
[etc., etc.]

Congratulations on your new sovereignty. Let me know how it works out.

I understand, and even forgive, the statutory reference to Laverne and Shirley (and Lenny and Squiggy). But was it really necessary to refer to Milwaukee as “the frumpy hamlet to the north”? Twice?!

I would like to invite Mr. Mariotti for a visit — one that would extend beyond Miller Park. Actually, I’d like to make him eat that “frumpy,” as well as the frozen custard he imagines Bud Selig throwing up. Is that too hostile?

Hey, you kids get off my lawn!

(“Shorter” concept invented and perfected by bloggers much more clever than I am.)

(Hat tip to Patrick McIlheran. Yes, really: English usage is not a conservative or liberal issue. And yes, of course this post’s title is [sic].)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “uhh”, “like”, and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up “interspersed.”

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents — Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football.” There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football – which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2010.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or “gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon — get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
Contact Info Website: www.fco.gov.uk
Office: Foreign & Commonwealth Office
Street: King James Street
City/Town: London

Visitors to Wisdems.com (the real site for the Democratic party of Wisconsin is wisdems.ORG) were surprised to find themselves shuffled over to the GOP candidates site ronpaul2008.com.

So who is behind this amusing redirect? GOP nerds. Apparently they’ve got better technogeeks than do the Dems. A simple lookup from who owns the page shows that the contact address is contact@wisgop.com

Here’s the info for wisdems.com:
Administrator:
Name– Scholtka, Corey
EMail-: (contact@wisgop.com)
tel –: -
org: -
PO Box 26661
Milwaukee, WI 53226,Milwaukee, WI 53226,- -

Technical Contactor:
Name– Scholtka, Corey
EMail-: (contact@wisgop.com)
tel –: -
org: -
PO Box 26661
Milwaukee, WI 53226,Milwaukee, WI 53226,- -

Black Sabbath Lead Singer Ozzy Osbourne launched a successful solo career where during a show he bit the head off of a bat. After nearly a decade of obscurity he staged a realty show comeback where his dysfunctional family’s prolific use of swear words drew in viewers and brought his name back into the spotlight.

As Osbourne was stepping away from the scene, pop star Brittney Spears came on the scene with saucy dancing and breathy lyrics. Pre-teen girls flocked to her as though she was the one to emulate. At what should have been the peak of her stardom, Spears got pregnant out of wedlock and began a downward trend which took her from role model to freak show. Allegations of drug use are rumored to have inspired Spears decision to shave her head. Hair an inch away from the head can be used to detect drug use as long as 90 days after the incident.

Then her sister, Jaimie Lynn Spears, came on the scene showing much promise. The younger Spears even starred in her own hit show on Nickelodean, Zoey 101. As the younger Spears was coming into her own, their mother wrote a book about parenting. Then it was announced that Jaimie Lynn Spears was pregnant, and like her sister, it was an out of wedlock conception. So much for the book.

Last night I went to catch a movie at the Rosebud (in case anyone is wondering, Cloverfield is horrible). One of the previews was for the Marvel comic book character Ironman. And yes, the soundtrack for the movie is none other but Ozzy Osbourne.

I thought it was odd when I heard my 12 year old son singing the lyrics of Ironman.

In comparison, Osbourne now seems like a wholesome image compared to the Spears family.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued “A Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability .

It’s not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Bob’

Bush is my shepherd: I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for ego’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will find no
exit,
for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy
term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

(From a column in the Seattle PI ’05)

All week we’ve noticed that locals are staring. It’s not often they see a man with a 50 inch chest and a boy with sun bleached shimmering blonde hair walking down the street so I guess we are oddities here.

I’ve joked with my boy that he’s like a monkey with a red butt. How often do you see one of them walking down the street? He’s joked that I’m like a gorilla. How often do you see one of those in public? To make things even stranger, how often do you see a pair of them walking down the street? But still, the gorilla hasn’t gotten most of the stares — the monkey has.

I’d like to say it’s fathers superior genes that give him his natural good looks. His short cropped blonde hair is complemented by his steel blue eyes. He looks a lot like I did when I was his age but unlike me, his eyes have remained blue and his hair is still blonde in the summer.

Yesterday, at the Forbidden City in Beijing, a group of giggling girls, all about my sons age, asked if they could take a picture with him. He decided to accomodate them. They took turns — all 5 of them posing with my grinning boy. Damn, I thought, he’s only 11 and he’s already got them lining up. I’ll have to keep a close eye on this kid otherwise I’ll be a grandpa before I’m ready.

Clearly he’s the center of attention. He brings smiles to peoples faces and the women, apparently of all ages, are gushing over him.

But the random hair petting isn’t exactly his forte’. It’s almost as if people consider his hair to be public property which will give him a good sense for what some women go through in America when some people feel that patting a pregnant womans stomach is somehow their right.

I may also be different here, but this is a case where I don’t mind that no one wants to pet a gorilla.

I ducked briefly into The Riverwester bar on Bremen Street last Thursday to escape nature’s whupping, finding kindly irrascible sorts good enough to put up with my presence and pop the tops on a coupla cheap Pabsts, even though I am not a regular regular in the place.

At one point in the evening, Mayor Tom Barrett appeared on an emergency broadcast to offer assurances that, yes, the city had the weather situation well in hand. We would all live to see another day.

“What the hell’s the mayor doing on TV talking about the weather?” somebody groused from the end of the bar.

“Cuz it’ll blow over!” shouted one Steven Homfeldt, sitting to my left with his wife, enjoying a stormy brew or two.

And, much like many of the cities problems that won’t blow over …

“There’s not a damn thing he can do about it,” Homfeldt roared.

So did everybody else at The Riverwester bar on Bremen Street.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here arewondering why you always order three beers?”

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank, as a way of keeping up the family bond.” The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with aheavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

“The Errand”

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “what was that all about?”

“Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Irishman, “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Water to Wine”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have ya been drinkin’?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“The Brothel”

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here.” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing.” says Sean, “Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, and it says here that he was 95 when he died!”

Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father…”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that gun!’

You Can’t Be Pro-War and Pro-Life

Hey, Bush Supporter: Embarrassed Yet?

1/20/09: End of an Error

I Hated Bush Before It Was Cool

If You Want a Nation Ruled by Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber

If You Can Read This, You’re Not the President

(on an infant t-shirt) Already smarter than Bush

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

Nice War, Jackass

America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

They Call Him “W” So He Can Spell It

Which God Do You Kill For?

Cheney/Satan ’08 (also Cheney/Voldemort ’08)

Jail to the Chief

George W. Bush Deserves a Fair Trial

Who Would Jesus Torture?

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

(over a map of red states) I See Dumb People

Bush: God’s Way of Proving Intelligent Design Is Full of Crap

So Many Christians, So Few Lions

When Fascism Comes to America, It Will Be Wrapped in a Flag Carrying a
Cross
*—Sinclair Lewis

It Takes More Than a Chrome Fish, Pal

Bad President! No Banana

We Need a President Who’s Fluent in At Least One Language
—Buck Henry

We’re Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

Rich Man’s War, Poor Man’s Blood

Is It Vietnam Yet?

Bush Doesn’t Care About White People, Either

You Elected Him. You Deserve Him

Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring

Impeach Cheney First

W = Nixon 2.0

Already Against the Next War

Pray for Impeachment

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

What Part of “Bush Lied” Don’t You Understand?

Bush Lost Iraq. Deal With It

Bush Never Exhaled

Nixon Resigned

Here's a few pics.  Am I wrong?

Maybe it’s just me. I’m still reeling from a friend telling me that from reading my columns on the JS, I appear to be turning into Andy Rooney.

And then there’s this one from Blockbuster that appeals to my inner techno-geek.

But still, none inspires more than the one last year from Anheuser-Busch that honored our troops.

Only the middle one was from this year. The other two were from last year.

Your results:You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination. Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz…

It turns out that if I would love to wear a cape I would be – Superman: You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others

The spammers have taken a new tact — they're sending jokes out and at the end they'll attach their links.  These jokes are sometimes pretty good.  Here's a sampling with the advertising clipped out of course.  They're not terribly good at punctuation but you get the point.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer

And one more for good measure:

married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the FATHER.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it.The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.The doctor checked the husbands’ blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead in the porch.

And here's a beaut'

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my tempers.

We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big f***ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond!!!

Finally…

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?”

The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

"There are only three kinds of people. Those who can do math, and those who can't."

That's not even a lie, it's a joke — and one I've heard before.

Clearly, the members of the Burlington Liars Club need more experience listening to truly expert liars before they attempt to judge next year's contest. I have two suggestions:

• Patrick Buchanan, as, in the wake of Gerald Ford's death, he repeats — to sympathetic ears — the tale of how his old boss (Richard Nixon, for you young folks) was unfairly hounded from office, the victim of a coup by Democrats still angry about their 49-state loss.
• Sundry members of the Wisconsin Republican Party, local talk radio hosts, and other right-wing media figures who have successfully convinced most Wisconsin residents that there is evidence of massive voter fraud, especially in Milwaukee.

Any other nominations?

Eat some figgy pudding. Don your goy gay apparel. Go a-wassailing. Make merry.

I'm going to turn up The LeeVees' "Hanukkah Rocks" (the holiday's over, but it's a great album) and then enjoy a traditional Jewish Christmas: a movie and Chinese take-out.

In terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis: Peace on Earth, and good will to all people.

That's small potatoes.

Through the miracle of photoshop, we've discovered that Judge Ziegler may be a little older than her bio suggests.  Below is proof positive that Ziegler, or perhaps an ancient relative of hers, attended the last supper as depicted by Leonardo Di Vinci.  Ziegler, seated at the right hand of Jesus Christ, certainly has experience.  Who could have known that she was in fact the original Mary Magdaline as described in the hit book The DiVinci Code.

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Ok, ok, we admit it, we photoshopped her in.  We figure it doesn't make sense for her to go for the little fib — if you're going to do it, do it big time.

Here's a bonus…

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Annette, if you're reading this, I hope you can appreciate it with a little chuckle yourself.  And to think I didn't even publish the secret Annette "Girls Gone Wild" photos. 

Your Blogging Type is Kind and Harmonious

You're an approachable blogger who tends to have many online friends. People new to your blogging circle know they can count on you for support. You tend to mediate fighting and drama. You set a cooperative tone. You have a great eye for design – and your blog tends to be the best looking on the block!

 I wouldn't imagine the righty bloggers think I'm terribly kind, nor harmonious, but yes, I do mediate some of the drama.

 And while I'm at it:

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous! You drink everyone under the table.

And apparently this is why I would rather have dogs than cats:

You Are: 90% Dog, 10% Cat

You're a dog at heart – and it's not a bad thing at all! You love unconditionally, and you're extremely loyal. And while you may act silly at times, you're really quite smart – and a good learner!

 And as long as we're starting the day off with a bit of whimsy…I heard this one recently…

Do you know how to get rid of a dinner guest who has outstayed their welcome?

Put the plates on the floor for the dogs to lick clean.  After they're done, put the plates back in the cupboard while your guest is watching.

Have an interesting thing to add?  Comment on this post, share your own whimsical story or tell us how your surveys (if you followed the links above) came out.

We now return to our normal political blogging… 

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UPDATE:  I took the survey again and must have answered something differently.  Here's the newest answer: 

Your Blogging Type is Commanding and Larger Than Life

In blogging circles, you tend to rise to the top with your take charge personality. You are driven to solve problems, connect bloggers, and be an influential force. You are also motivated to keep your blog fresh and high quality. Your hard work has paid off – you set a high standard for other bloggers to aspire to.

A young boy was living with his parents who beat him so he was referred to foster care.

The foster care worker asked him where he wanted to live and he said his grandparents.

So he moved in with his grandparents but they also beat him.

So he asked his caseworker to move him in with his uncle but after living with his uncle but he also beat the boy.

So the boy asked his caseworker to move him in with the Green Bay Packers.

"The Green Bay Packers?" the caseworker asked.

"Yes" the boy said, "the Green Bay Packers don't beat anybody."

Call it gossip, and a departure from our normal hard hitting news and commentary, but when Skinner was here in Milwaukee she was dating Ted Perry, another Fox6 personality.  She agreed to have lunch with talk radio host Mark Belling.  Belling was apparently hot for Skinner and urged her to "drop the zero, go out with the hero" in his fairly unsuave kind of way. 

Now you know why Belling never married.

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Hat tip to the person who sent this to us. 

Check it out yourself.  Go to Google and tyle in the word FAILURE

Top on their list is the biography of George W Bush.  Type in FAILURE and click "I feel lucky" and it will take you directly to that page.

George slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans
unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you
expect?"

Girl, close your eyes Let that rhythm get into you Don’t try to fight it There ain’t nothin’ that you can do

But apparently there is something she can do. She bothered "The Alderman" so much that he eventually slapped a restraining order on her. With all this controversy, you almost have to wonder who he sees when he looks at the man in the mirror. With all of this twisted behavior unbecoming of a person in political office, "The Alderman" may just be developing his own political obituary. In all likelihood he is thinking more on the lines of how he's "gonna rock the night away". He may not be terribly talented when it comes to crafting public policy or even have a weak grasp on the whole concept that public officials ought not go running off at the mouth disparaging entire constituency groups, but one thing is sadly certain — it all makes for great entertainment. You could even say it's a bit of a Thriller. ### UPDATE: Badger Blog Alliance (from the right side of the blogosphere) took this issue to the next level. About a half day after our post, he came up with a clever Photoshopped face shot of "The Alderman" (from his mugshot) pasted on the reclining pop stars face. I'm not sure what's more real — the photoshopped version or the plastic surgery version ??? Visit his site for a worthwhile chuckle.

There are plenty of people who are saying that Tommy is just being a big baby and he wants to be the center of attention. Should we blame him? After all, the world seemed to revolve around him before. I know, I know, some are saying he sounds like a little Rugrat.

Let’s give Tommy a break. He’ll probably grow up. We just have to be patient.

Cardinal Mahoney, the Vatican spokesperson, said:

We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our votes using those new electronic voting machines that we purchased from the United States. The results overwhelmingly favored George W. Bush.

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And while we’re departing from our normal serious fare, here’s a few snippets from this week’s Time Magazine.

“Did you hear what happened at the Washington Nationals game?  Dick Cheney was there; he threw out the first pitch and was booed. He said he was surprised — he thought he’d be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy.”  David Letterman

“President Bush today announced a new fitness plan to get people walking.  It’s called Gasoline at $3 a Gallon.”  Jay Leno

Actually what he’s saying is that those who oppose legalized prostitution should also oppose legalized smoking in bars. Since our column yesterday was all about the smoking ban, we thought it would make sense to post a little whimsy from In Effect.