There are multiple ways you can be a good conservative.  Here's just a sampling:

1) You call yourself pro-life but you support the death penalty.

2) You have to believe that businesses deserve tax breaks and poor and middle class Americans should pay more

3) You have to believe that the wealthiest among us deserve the largest tax breaks

4) You have to believe that the rights of outdoorsmen and hunters are at risk because of limited proposals to take cop-killer bullets which splinter upon impact are having their legitimacy as a tool for hunting is being questioned

5) You have to believe that you're a protector of wildlife because you kill wildlife.

6) You believe you're a protector of the environment yet you support draining marshes and wetlands to make way for businesses.

7) You believe that the 2nd amendment to the constitution says only "the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed" but conveniently forget that the first part of that same sentence says, "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state…"

You believe that Ronald Reagan who slashed student grants and fired air traffic controllers deserves to have a library and an airport named after him.

9) You believe that North Korea's 2006 test of nuclear weapons was a result of a blunder made by former President Bill Clinton who left office in 2000.

10) You have to believe that global warming has more to do with normal changes in the worlds atmosphere than pollution, destruction of the ozone layer and emissions caused by the burning of fossil fuels.

11) You believe that drug use is bad except when it comes to drug abuse by high profile conservative talk radio show hosts.

12) You believe that outlawing gay marriage will keep heterosexual marriage strong.

13) You believe that gays are immoral yet adulterous talk radio show hosts are well within their rights to preach morality.

14) You believe that teachers who sometimes work 14+ hour days for less than $50K a year are overpaid while CEO's who receive millions are receiving fair compensation.

15) You have to believe that a 4 cell zygote deserves more rights than a person waiting to stand trial for a crime they have not been convicted of.

16) You have to believe the ACLU, whose exclusive reason for being is to protect against abuses of the Bill of Rights, is bad but the NRA whose goals include legalizing assault rifles, cop killer bullets and explosives is good.

17) You believe that fiscal responsibility means borrowing money which future generations will have to pay to give you and businesses a tax break now. 

18) You believe a fee is not a tax.

19) You support unmitigated expansion of casino gaming when Republicans are in office but you decry gambling as a moral outrage when Democrats are in power.

20) You believe that Rush Limbaugh is more important to our history than the forefathers of our country and the makers of the Constitution of the United States.

21) When speaking of race relations you say things like "I'm not racist but …"

22) You believe you are a picture of racial harmony yet you choose to live in a community where people of other races are not regularly seen.

23) You believe that proposals to expand or develop mass transit into your community will result in "a certain element" and "troublemakers" coming into your neighborhood.

24) You believe it is fair for private schools to get public funds but that it unfair to make them take students with disabilities.

25) You believe that public schools are bad and private schools are good.

26) You believe that programs which take money away from public schools should not affect how well a public school is able to educate their children.

27) You believe that a person who graduates from college with a teaching certificate and $100,000 in college debt should be happy to take a job starting at $20,000 a year and is selfish because they hope to at least get a pension and health insurance after serving for 30 years of the best years of their lives.

28) You believe in "health savings accounts" where individuals have to pay for their own health care but oppose regulating the profits of drug companies.

29) You believe that seniors who break the law and import the prescription drugs they need to stay alive from foreign countries are scofflaws but the drug companies that make it impossible for them to pay their heating bills are upstanding Americans merely responding to the market conditions of supply and demand.

30) You have to believe that holding people the government suspects of being an enemy combatant should be shuttled through airports like the one in Shannon Ireland to transport them to covert torture facilities yet you believe Rush Limbaugh deserved a speedy trial.

31) You have to believe that a President whose dishonesty led to over 3000 American troops dying and over 50,000 Iraqi's dying should not even be questioned yet millions of taxpayers dollars should be spent to prosecute a President accused of getting an extra-marital blow job.

32) You believe that voting abuses only happen in poor areas and the Republican party is well within their rights to send lawyers to the polls to intimidate the poor and disenfranchised in neighborhoods they do not do well in.

33) You believe the working poor who struggle to put food on the table should have to take unpaid time off from work to get a special voter ID card which does little more than duplicate the identifying uses of a home utility bill. 

34) You believe that gun owners should be allowed to covertly and legally carry guns into places like shopping malls, churches, playgrounds and even events where liquor under the guise that it will keep our streets safer.

35) You believe that businesses that profit from products they know to be health hazards while hiding the dangerousness of their products should receive blanket immunity and the victims who sometimes die or are crippled by their negligence are just looking to get rich with "frivolous lawsuits".

36) You believe businesses like Wal-Mart whose employees often have to rely on government subsidized or sponsored programs for basic health care should be given tax breaks but their employees don't deserve a living wage.

37) You believe that State politicians who want to limit local government officials ability to levy taxes while at the same time allowing state taxes to grow have your best interests in mind, yet local officials who typically receive less in compensation and are more tied to the community are greedy.

38) You believe a pharmacist should be allowed to not fill a prescription from a womans doctor yet a PETA activist should still have to check out a customer wanting to purchase meat in a grocery store.

39) You say you support stem cell research to benefit humans but you only want researchers to study stem cell lines that have been compromised by rodents.

40) You continue to believe that the health care system which currently devastates the nest eggs of so many seniors is not in crisis and that the answer is health savings accounts (another way of saying pay for it yourself). 

41) You believe you are "pro-business" but say businesses should not be allowed to attract quality employees by offering fringe benefits for domestic partners of those potential employees.

42) You believe that after all of the well behaved city kids are effectively forced to go to a charter school because the only neighborhood kids who remain are bullies and thugs, that a public school should still have to "compete" with private schools with testing standards or else have their funding cut yet again.

43) You believe that the (then) record deficits which occurred under the twelve years of Reagan-Bush Sr. were just the result of bad timing due to natural economic trends but that the eight years of surpluses and economic prosperity under President Bill Clinton were due to the sound economic policies of Reagan and Bush Sr.

44) You believe that the record deficits and record national debt under George W. Bush is due to poor decisions made during the previous administration of Bill Clinton.

45) Wisconsinites only – You believe that the state debt inherited by Governor Jim Doyle is Jim Doyle's own fault and not the fault of borrowing and spending plans from years under the administrations of past Governor Tommy Thompson and his Lt. Governor Scott McCallum.