The cardinals who gathered to choose new pope were stunned.

Cardinal Mahoney, the Vatican spokesperson, said:

We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our votes using those new electronic voting machines that we purchased from the United States. The results overwhelmingly favored George W. Bush.

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And while we’re departing from our normal serious fare, here’s a few snippets from this week’s Time Magazine.

“Did you hear what happened at the Washington Nationals game?  Dick Cheney was there; he threw out the first pitch and was booed. He said he was surprised — he thought he’d be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy.”  David Letterman

“President Bush today announced a new fitness plan to get people walking.  It’s called Gasoline at $3 a Gallon.”  Jay Leno