Who does this Jesus guy think he is anyway? Doesn’t he realize that if he gets his way taxes will go up? Doesn’t he realize that it’s the natural order of things? The free market has proven to be the driver for the best business practices.

And there he goes with his high-minded, better than thou attitude. Did you hear what he actually said the other day? “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours in the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.” (Luke 6:20-21)

Blessed? Blessed?

Gimme a break. What, is he trying to guilt us into opening our wallets? Just because someone else isn’t as well off as I might be, I’m supposed to give some of mine to them? Bah!

That’s just socialism.

You want some words of wisdom for the hungry? Let them eat cake. Giving people a handout isn’t going to help them. You know what will help them? Work. If you’re hungry, get a job. Buy your own food. Don’t want to work, we don’t need you. You know what we call that? It’s called culling the herd. It’s the natural order of things. It makes us all better people.

Did you hear what his big crusade was last week? He said this, and I’m not kidding — “The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst”. Oh, I get it. Now we’re all supposed to care about water and water quality for everyone. Who is supposed to pay it? You know what, if we’re so worried about the thirsty, I’ll hand out bowls so when it rains they can catch the rain and take a drink. That’s charity — not socialism and it’s better than this whole socialist stuff.

But really, this Jesus guy is such a trouble maker. I’m inclined to just do something about it, but as many of my like-minded friends remind me, he would happily become a martyr for his cause. Before you know it, everyone will know the name of “Jesus”. It’ll be all like, “Jesus would do this, Jesus would do that”. There’s already a few people who have even been texting WWJD as though we’re all supposed to know what that means.

Folks, let’s be careful about this guy. The next thing you know, if this Jesus guy gets his way, we’ll all be marching up and down red square carrying little hammer and sickle flags.